Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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