Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She's not a foreskin expert like you
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
