You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
