the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
