Come see our sink grown plant.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
