you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
