Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
