We won't sleep together?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
