Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
