When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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