The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
