I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
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Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm too high and old for this...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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