wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
