there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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