4 words: hood of his car
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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