Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Dating After Heartbreak
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.