dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
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She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
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you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder