I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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