Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
