I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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