he wants to bone in the snuggie
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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