I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
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We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
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I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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