a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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