Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
