oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
There are leaves in my underwear?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
