Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The uberlube is also flammable
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
