Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
false alarm. still invincible.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
