he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
