dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
