I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
