John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
