i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
