ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
