If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
