He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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