No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
