Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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