Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
