I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You left your phone here
Wait...
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