I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
