i think my tv is drunk
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
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i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
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PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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