I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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