worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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