and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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