Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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