Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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