I just saw a hot homeless man
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
