I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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