dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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