How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Randomize
