so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
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He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I can't put those talents on a resume
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
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She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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