There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
