I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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