he thought i was a dude.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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