she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
God gave him joint rollers for hands
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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