Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
