How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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