Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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