If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
