So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
